What I was five, a film came out. A film that, by all that is right and proper, should have been awful. A film based off a story inspired by a theme part ride, of all things.
I didn't watch it when I was five. I think I was around nine or ten. We were playing the soundtrack in an orchestra I was in, and so after rehearsal we all gatehred around to watch it.
Oddly, that's what's inspired me to write this series of reviews. Not the films themselves, but the music. The Judge sent me a clip of a piece of music from the third film, and suddenly, a lot of the magic came back for me. I remembered watching the original three films for the first time, and the excitement and the joy they inspired in me.
And then I remembered the fourth and fifth film and.... I started to wonder. Could such..... things come out of something so brilliant? Could the fun and hi-jinks and fantastic music and fascinating characters really end up so.... so.....
Or could the only way that such cinematic nightmares as the last two films come into being, be that the originals were just.... bad?
I'm actually slightly scared to find out. But I think now I've thought about it, I have to go on this journey. I will rewatch all five films, in order, and write a review. Then I'll decide if Pirates was always doomed to fall to... what it fell to.
So, let's start with Pirates of the Caribbean: The Black Pearl. The original (and best, to my mind).
This is a film designed to do one thing. Entertain. Does it do it? Um... yes? Obviously? It's just fun! There's pirating. There's good fight scene choreography. There's catchy moments. The casting is impeccable. The music... I mean, the music is frankly exquisite. I frequently find myself humming it. I listen to it a lot.
But I'm not just here to rave about how much I like this film. I want to see if there are any clues here as to what Pirates would become. And really, I think there are.
Let's start with this. Conincidence. Seriously, the entire film only happens because Elizabteh Swan has a dream. That prompts her to wear the gold medallion, which has been gathering dust for years. It only happens because her father brings her a dress that has a tight corset. It only happens because Norrington leads her to the incredibly precarious edge of the wall, and it only happens because she chooses that moment to faint. If any of those things don't happen, the medallion never strikes the water, the Pearl is never summoned.
That's just the beginning. Every time Jack is fighting, he relies on conincidence to survive and escape. If Elizabeth hadn't said her surname was Turner, a name she didn't know the significance of at the time, the whole story would have been different. All of that is fine, for now. It's fun, and everyone expects this film to be taken as a fun thing, not too seriously. Later on, though, this will be blown out of the water, and coincidence will go from a mild nuisance to something big and offputting.
The second thing. The CGI in this film is... well, it's good for 2003. The thing that makes it work, though, it how cleverly it's used. They never try to recreate a human face, something notably difficult. Instead, I'm guessing they used motion capture for the actual fighting, then replaced the humans with skeletons when they had to. They also make sure every skeleton is seen in shadows, often moving quickly. You never stop to notice that they are actually pretty fake-looking, because you're always distracted. This.... doesn't happen as much in the later films.
Finally, the story. One thing I'll say for this film is that things move really, really quickly. By the time you're half way through, you've already learned about the curse, you've been to the cave where the treasure is. It feels like things are moving decisively towards a climax. Before you get there, though, there's a sort of kidnapping, a betrayal, a marooning, a drunken party, a rescue, a few really, really bad parleys, the royal navy, a proposal, Elizabeth is locked in her room for some reason... The overall story is quite simple, but there's a lot of stuff that frankly is kind of unnecessary. I mean, it's obvious why it's there, it allows Jack to be marooned again, it allows some drunken pirate singing and walking the plank, and relationship drama for Elizabeth... the thing is, it's actually quite a big deal to sail a ship like that, and people seem to be always going out of their way, a long way out of their way, to make this set of things happen. Again, it's fine, because who doesn't love to hear "why is the rum gone?" repeated over and over again in their mind? It's fine, but watching back, it does seem to be excessively easy to make all of these journeys, making the whole thing a little unreal.
...
Wow. There they are. I didn't actually know what to expect, but it seems that I have found what I was looking for. The clues to the downfall of Pirates have been there from the beginning, masked by fantastic acting and fun hijinks. Yes, they're subtle, and they don't interfere with my enjoyment of this film, at least, but I can definitely see why some people hate all of these films. you have to suspend dispelief. A lot. A very lot. And that can only be pushed so far. Pirates shows exactly how far (it's about four films, in my opinion...)
That was actually kind of depressing. I love this film, for the nostalgia, the music, the choreography... and because it's about big wooden ships sailing through a gorgeous blue ocean. I will watch it again, but I will listen to it's soundtrack more often. This film is well worth all of it's flaws, and it really is fun, but I can see the problems that will only get worse with sequels to come.
To cheer things up, here's a list of ten of my favourite moments from this film, to remind everyone how good it really is.
Enjoy!
1:Young Elizabeth being eyed up by future nearly husband when she's a pre-pubescent girl and he's already a naval captain. Very, very Georgian. Also she is fascinated by hanging. That's nice.
2:The music! Even less than 5 minutes in, the music tells us the Black Pearl is sinister, and important. The music will be adding more bonus points to the tally throughout, let's start nice and early.
3: Georgian fashion. Really very accurate, actually. Also father casually telling his daughter that a man "fancies" her.... very Georgian.
4: ORLANDO BLOOM! So this is where the elves sailed off to...
5: I've just realised that Elizabeth had a dream where she remembered the Pearl and rescuing William. This prompted her to wear the cursed gold necklace, which led to the summoning of the Pearl when she fell into the water... all I'm saying is that without this dream, there would have been no film! So.... convenient.... maybe too convenient? But it also explains why she suddenly wears the medallion after not touching it for years. Also ELizabthe doesn't have time for breakfast because the dream makes her oversleep. If she'd had breakfast, maybe no fainting, no water.... you know.
6: The music! It's light, dramatic, humorous, serious, determined... oh, it's good. Very, very good.How do you write music that fits a sinking boat with an epic pirate on board sailing past some dead pirates? Like this. That's how. Then contrast with a really mild arrangement of "Rule Brittania". Good guy vs. Bad guys. Good (well.... ambiguous) guy gets the best music.
7: How to do exposition well. Sarcastic exchange between two incompetent soldiers, all engineered by the main character to help him find out which ship is ripe for the stealing.
8: The first swordfight. These are actually pretty realistic fencing moves.
9:The physics... First of breaking a steel cell door, then of two flosty people holding a flosaty boat full of very floaty air underwater....
10: Wow.... some of this imagery once the pirates become skeletons. red wine running down a ribcage, the bite of an apple.... so the CGI is probably a bit... unbelievable. But it truly doesn't matter.
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