I am Sherlocked: The Empty Hearse

 

Sherlock.

Series three.

Episode one.

We’re there. We’re doing this.

I… thought I would need more of a break, honestly? I was really not looking forward to doing this review after finishing the last one. But somehow, just two weeks later, I am picking up my pen.

Metaphorically speaking. Actually, I am repeatedly dropping my fingers onto a collection of plastic buttons and making little lights on my laptop screen change colour.

But you know what I mean.

Anyway, this episode begins with what may be the shortest “previously on” segment ever. Incidentally, this was the first episode of Sherlock that I actually watched as it was being aired for the first time. I can still remember that excitement, quickly turning to….

Well, you’ll see.

But yes, “previously on Sherlock…” we cut to Sherlock’s tombstone, play the sound of John screaming “Sherlock” over the top of it.

Then we go straight into one of the “theories”. Insert version 2.1 of the rooftop scene from last episode.  Moriarty falls over, Sherlock gasps, John checks his phone, he chats to Sherlock…

Meanwhile, Moriarty’s body is dragged away. It’s magically transformed into a Sherlock clone, Sherlock jumps, but is saved by a bungee cord just as John is knocked over, he crashes through the window into Molly’s lab. He kisses her (obviously), then walks off.

Meanwhile, the Moriarty/Sherlock body is being positioned for John to find, but…

Oh look, it’s Derren Brown.

I actually didn’t recognise him as Derren Brown the first time I saw this. I was too busy being confused, because from the moment that Moriarty’s body began to be turned into Sherlock’s, I knew that this didn’t fit. Didn’t make any sense.

That being said, I love that Derren Brown actually said “yes” to this cameo.

So John goes and inspects Moriarty’s Sherlock-ified corpse, while Sherlock walks off through the hospital….

And the pretence drops. The great reveal, the first twist of this episode. This isn’t what actually happened, it’s just Anderson telling Lestrade his theory.

Lestrade tells Anderson to let it go. He tells Anderson that this is just an expression of his guilt. Anderson and Donovan convinced Lestrade that Sherlock was guilty, so not Anderson is trying to find a way to believe that Sherlock survived.

It’s actually kind of sweet, and I do think that it fits in quite nicely with what we’ve seen of Anderson so far, and what the consequences of his decisions might be.

Only thing is, it’s kind of… cheapened by the fact that we all know that Sherlock did survive.

Anyway, the reason that Lestrade and Anderson are together is that the truth is being revealed to the world. I mean, the truth about Richard Brook. The truth that Moriarty was the bad guy all along, Sherlock an innocent victim.

The truth that, somehow, it took two years for the police to unravel. Apparently.

I mean, I think I discussed how ridiculous that whole thing was last episode, I won’t go into it again.

Or at least, I will try really, really hard not to go into it again.

Anyway, Sherlock is vindicated.

So, anyway, after that intro… let me tell you why I already felt slightly disappointed at this point on my first watch-through.

Going into this episode, I had one big question. It’s the one I mentioned last review. Why did Sherlock tell John that he had been lying to him? Why did Sherlock try to convince John that Richard Brook had been his own creation? How would they explain Sherlock not contacting John for two years after his death?

And yes, I wanted to know the mechanics of how Sherlock did it, exactly. How he fell off a roof and landed. But at the same time… it was kind of obvious. Basically everyone online had figured out that there had to be some kind of net or cushion on the ground. There was no rope, there was no other way to survive that fall. Some talked about replaced paving slabs… you know. General idea was that Sherlock survived by landing on a big soft thing instead of a big hard thing. No massive mystery there, honestly.

The motivations were much more interesting to me, and at this point in the episode it already seemed that the show was shying away from discussing those. Already it had started talking only about the mechanics of everything. And already, a theme that runs through this episode had emerged. The theme of laughing at fan theories.

So yes, I was already starting to feel that this wasn’t quite going the right way.

Anyway, the story continues. John is visiting Sherlock’s grave again, but this time… he is not alone. He is with a mysterious woman, who’s face we don’t get to see yet. It’s a touching moment…

And then the camera spins in a dizzying, uncomfortable way, and suddenly we’re in a dark forest, and someone is running through the trees. They’re being pursued by people on the ground, and by a helicopter in the sky. Dogs bark, guns fire… and the figure is surrounded. He collapses to his knees.

We cut to that man being tortured, presumably shortly afterwards. He’s tied up, he’s being beaten, he’s undergoing sleep deprivation.

And then the prisoner starts to deduce things about his captors. Well, one of his captors. The second stays in the corner of the room, in the dark. The prisoner tells his torturer that his wife is having an affair, and if he goes now he might catch her in the act.

And… the torturer just… heads off. No questions. Just goes.

I mean… he believed that pretty quickly, didn’t he? But anyway, it’s convenient, because it allows the second captor to step forwards.

And… guess what? It’s Mycroft! He tells Sherlock that the “holiday” is over, there’s a terrorist ring in London. Sherlock, the prisoner, smiles, and, um…

Somehow they two of them get past the guard on the door, break out of the facility they’re in, and get onto a plane back to London…

Which would probably be quite interesting to see. But… nope. Cut to title sequence.

Well… that was unsatisfying. Also, did Mycroft really just sit there while his brother was being beaten with a metal pipe, deprived of sleep and otherwise generally mistreated? Because that’s… I mean, I know they apparently have this terrible relationship, and Sherlock would rather die than go to him for help, but this is next level, surely???

Anyway, post-title sequence, John is riding the tube.

Clearly no foreshadowing going on here.

And then we cut to Mycroft in his office, flicking through papers… and back to John on the tube… we get some extra shots of tube trains going through tunnels, past platforms…

Yep. Definitely nothing related to tube trains coming up in this episode.

Then John walks along the street, and some kids walk past crying “penny for the guy?”

As it happens, I have lived in the UK all my life, and never actually seen a couple of 10-ish year old kids running around London streets pushing a Guy and asking strangers for money.

So it comes off as slightly unusual that something like this would be included.

Again, definitely not setting up something that might happen later.

Right, so the place that John is heading to is 221b Baker street. Which he hasn’t been to for ages, but still has a key for. As soon as he enters the hall, he starts to have memories of being with Sherlock there. Mrs Hudson spots him, and wordlessly invites him into the kitchen.

Then…. Cut. To Mycroft and Sherlock having a chat while Sherlock is shaved. Apparently, Sherlock has been dismantling Moriarty’s secret network. Somehow, it continued after his death for two years, but now it is thoroughly dismantled.

That’s what he was doing in Serbia, by the way. Dismantling the last piece, by allowing himself to be taken prisoner and tortured.

His time there was cut short by Mycroft, but apparently he’s achieved… whatever it was he was achieving by doing that before Mycroft showed up.

Something that I love about this scene is that Sherlock is being shaved with a straight razer while the conversation goes on. Mycroft comments “Well, you’re safe now” while a stranger holds a blade to Sherlock’s neck.

I really like this. Or I would, if it actually linked to any broader story elements that resulted in Sherlock actually not being safe. Otherwise the imagery doesn’t really fit in with anything else, or make any sense.

It’s still cool though.

Mycroft tells Sherlock to thank him for rescuing him. Sherlock sits up, groaning (presumably with the pain of his wounds) and criticises Mycroft for just sitting and watching as he was beaten up. Sherlock comes to the conclusion that Mycroft was enjoying watching his brother be tortured.

That’s… dark. And seriously, if it’s true, says an awful lot about Mycroft.

Anyway, back to Mrs Hudson and John.

She is passive-aggressively slamming crockery down in front of him, and commenting on John’s lack of memory.

And…. Saying that she doesn’t like John’s moustache.

Thus it begins.

Apparently, John hasn’t spoken to or seen Mrs Hudson for ages. He couldn’t bare to bring up the memories of Sherlock.

This demonstrates that… he probably should have been paying more attention in his therapy sessions. Cutting of good friends when you’re struggling seems decidedly unhealthy, especially when they are grieving the same loss.

Cut back to Mycroft. This show really has upped the editing anty, hasn’t it? Anyway, Sherlock is getting dressed, and promising to find Mycroft’s terror cell.

I feel like this is an appropriate place to discuss torture. Presumably this scene with Sherlock being shaved and putting on smart clothes takes place shortly after he and Mycroft escape. They’re certainly not back in London yet, anyway.

Still, Sherlock is still groaning when he moves with the pain of his injuries.

Let’s go through what we know Sherlock was put through. He was deprived sleep, first of all. It’s unclear how long for, but clearly it was a significant period of time given that the torturer was teasing him, asking if he remembered what sleep was.

Now, preventing someone from sleeping might not seem too bad, as far as tortures go, but actually it’s really, really serious, and has potentially deadly consequences.

Humans need sleep. Really need sleep, actually. One day without sleep might seem insignificant, but you’ll already have some level of cognitive impairment to deal with. Just a few solid days of no sleep can put a lot of stress on the brain, causing hallucinations and other psychotic symptoms.  Much more than that, and there are measurable effects on the body’s systems, and sudden death has occurred.

In short, even if Sherlock went without sleep for just 48-72 hours, he would still be in dire need of prolonged rest, and would probably be feeling absolutely awful.

During that period, Sherlock was also subjugated to a positional torture. If you look at the scene, you can see that he’s basically collapsed forwards, standing but with his legs bent. Most of his weight is probably going through his chained arms.

The position he is restrained in is carefully chosen to prevent him from kneeling, or getting the weight off his feet and arms. He may be able to fully stand, but given his sleep deprivation and physical beating, he’s probably in no fit shape to stand at all. After a relatively short time of being held in this position, he would likely have severe musculoskeletal damage to his arms, and he would be at very high risk of developing long-term chronic pain related to nerve damage. Also, and I couldn’t find anything about this restraint posture in particular, but I suspect that hanging from your arms in that way, with your body collapsed forwards could seriously limit your ability to use your accessory muscles to breathe, which could be fatal.

Then we get to the beating. We see that a weapon is being used here, a metal pipe. From the looks of it, this weapon is metal, but hollow. Even so, a weapon like that would add considerably weight to every blow, and also concentrate that energy into a smaller area. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if a weapon like that had the capacity to break ribs, skull and facial bones, cause internal organ damage or even potentially long bone fractures. From what we can see, he certainly has severe bruises on his back and torso. It’s possible that he could have potentially fatal internal bleeding as a result of this.

Before I go on, I would like to make a serious point. All of the techniques that are used on Sherlock are real. Real people do these things to real other people. Victims of torture often suffer lifelong physical and psychological consequences. This is a horrific, horrible thing, and it makes me feel genuinely quite sick to imagine any person going through this.

It also upsets me, having read all of that, when Sherlock is shown, presumably a relatively short period after this torture, to be… basically fine. I would expect that someone would require weeks to months of physical and psychological therapy to be “fine” after an experience like this.

But Sherlock just… walks away. Healed by a shave and a new set of clothes.

I just… I don’t think that torture is something that should be represented in this way. Not when there are real people who have to find a way to cope with the consequences of similar experiences. I mean, I don’t mind that Sherlock is captured and tortured by some criminals, but… somehow showing such a quick recovery cheapens the moment for that character, and disrespects people who have actually gone through the process of recovery after torture.

This is an interesting study looking at the potential impact of representations of torture in media. I think it’s worth taking a minute to think about the real-world implications of this.

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/perspectives-on-politics/article/wait-theres-torture-in-zootopia-examining-the-prevalence-of-torture-in-popular-movies/4C630F7B231053B66DC436EF598F2E32

But anyway. I will move on.

Sherlock wants to be back in London to stop the terrorists. He asks about John Watson. Mycroft sounds very surprised that Sherlock cares. Unusual, given his regular attempts to get to Sherlock through John.

Sherlock looks at a photo of John, and immediately mocks the moustache. Of course.

We cut back to that moustache, and the man who carries it around. He’s gone up to look at 221b with Hudson. She’s kept it exactly as it was when Sherlock died, and not let it out to anyone else.

Well, anyway, John has come round with another purpose in mind. He needs to tell Hudson that he’s planning to get married.

Insert Mrs Hudson making many references to Sherlock and John being a couple here, including her massive surprise at John being attracted to a woman…

I think this might actually be the point at which this show stops queerbaiting. “John and Sherlock were definitely never together, stop going on about it” the show shouts at us fans.

How stupid of us, to start to wonder if two characters with good chemistry who are constantly put in situations that might make us think that they were a couple, were ACTUALLY a couple.  

Anyway, while John protests that he isn’t gay, Sherlock tells Mycroft his plans to spring the fact that he’s alive on John. Sherlock seems to think that John will be thrilled, delighted, overjoyed to see him alive!

This is another example of Sherlock being ridiculously, inexplicably and unjustifiably clueless. Sherlock Holmes is meant to be good at understanding people. It’s kind of his thing. He looks at someone, deduces their life story, then identifies their motives. It’s ridiculous to say that John is capable of deducing the motive of a criminal who is actually trying to hide it but he cannot realise that springing out at someone who thinks you’re dead, who you lied to just before you “died”, and expecting them to be happy to see you is… is…

This is OK. I’m fine. We’re all fine.

Anyway, Sherlock puts on his coat, and goes to find John. After posing dramatically on top of some tall buildings.

Seriously, how did he get up there?

Well, anyway, let’s move onto one of the most… well, one of the MOST scenes in this entire TV series. The restaurant.

Sherlock walks in, and is greeted at the door. He promptly tells that member of staff that his wife has gone into labour.

Odd that she would text her husband to tell him that she was in labour… but…

Anyway, he promptly leaves. Sherlock spots John, and begins to make his way over… but before he gets to him, he decides to play a little game. He decides to dress up.

First, he spills a customer’s drink over him, giving him an excuse to steal his bow tie.

Next, he steals a pair of glasses from another customer. As a glasses wearer, this is RIDICULOUSLY mean, cruel and unnecessary. Without my glasses, I am unable to read at a distance. I couldn’t drive, I would get horrible headaches, I would probably be unable to work.

In short, Sherlock, you’re an asshole for doing this just to prank John. That gentleman might have to wait weeks for a new pair of glasses to be made.

But Sherlock isn’t stopping to think about ethical implications of his spate of thefts. He’s too busy looking for a way to draw a moustache onto himself. He settles on some eyeliner, handily left lying in clear view. So he steals this to, and smudges some onto his top lip.

Finally, he is ready. He steps up behind John, and discusses the wine list with him.

And ha ha, Sherlock keeps trying to get John to look at him, but John hasn’t noticed who it is yet. He drops more hints, with no success. Finally, he gives up and walks off, leaving John to…

To…

Look at the engagement ring he’s chosen.

Practical point here, John, but healthcare professionals are only allowed to wear a single plain band ring. Getting something decked out in diamonds might show off your deep wallet, but it doesn’t say much for your ability to be a thoughtful partner as your fiancé won’t actually be allowed to wear that at work.

Just saying.

Mary returns, and John tries to be nonchalant. Then, he starts to pop the question. He has clearly prepared a speech, thanking Mary for being such a positive influence on his life. He is just about to complete the proposal when…

Sherlock steps over to offer champagne and drop more hints. John tried to shoo him, given the AWFUL, AWFUL timing, but Sherlock ignores him.

This time, John is frustrated enough to actually look up, and…

And…

He stands up. He looks Sherlock in the face, while Sherlock tells him that he isn’t dead. Under John’s gaze, Sherlock finally starts to realise that maybe, just maybe, springing this bombshell on John might not be a great idea… but he explains himself.

“It was very funny!” he laughs.

John glares at him. Mary realizes who Sherlock must be, and tries to warn him. John is still glaring at him, and Sherlock…

Sherlock decides it’s time for another moustache joke. He dips a serviette in some water and rubs the eyeliner off his lip.

“Does your rub off too?”

Finally, he starts to apologise, but John is… John is clearly uncontrollably angry. He slams his fist into the table. Mary tries to talk to him, to calm him down, and for a moment it seems that it worked. John starts to talk. He tells Sherlock that he grieved for two years. He asks Sherlock how he could let him do that.

Sherlock replies by “asking one question.”

And makes another moustache joke.

And John lunges for him.

We cut to a nice little café. Sherlock is beginning to explain to John how he survived the fall.

John stops him before he can reveal anything. He reveals that he (like me!) doesn’t care how Sherlock did it. He just wants to know why.

Sherlock tells him that it was Mycroft’s idea.

This is…. Stupid. I was going to say interesting, but stupid. Stupid because at no point in the last episode did we see Sherlock and Mycroft communicating, so there was no set-up to Mycroft being involved in this at all. Stupid because Sherlock should have realised that passing the blame onto someone else was a terrible idea that would only infuriate John. Stupid because Mycroft outright said earlier that Sherlock should have contacted John to let him know that he was OK. Stupid because the moment when Sherlock defeats Moriarty is meant to be one of the heights of Sherlock’s career, but “it was Mycroft all along!”?

Also, this means that Sherlock has to let John know that other people were allowed to know that he was alive. Just a couple of people. Mycroft. Molly. The homeless network. Well, 25 of them anyway.

This is a fantastic way to make John angry again, so… John attacks Sherlock.

Take three. Takeaway shop.

Sherlock is still going on about the moustache. John says that Mary likes it, Sherlock assures him that she doesn’t. She… admits that Sherlock’s right. So they clearly have a great, honest relationship.

Um…. Foreshadowing? Or something?

Anyway, Sherlock admits that he didn’t tell John that he was alive because he was worried that John might be indiscreet with the information.

Yep. That’s how he puts it.

So Sherlock, after trying to put the blame on Mycroft, puts it on John.

John… doesn’t react well to this. As you might imagine.

The following tirade is… hilarious. Because it includes John loudly proclaiming that Sherlock is still alive. Thus ensues a shouting match in which Sherlock tells John that it’s meant to be a secret that he’s alive, and John (at the top of his voice, in a crowded shop) promises not to tell anyone.

This moment is just… hilarious. Sorry. Wish I could criticise. I mean, yes, I generally dislike this whole “revelation” sequence, but this moment, the acting, the setting, it’s just… brilliant. Sorry. I mean, you can almost see Martin Freeman laughing as he gives his lines.

Finally, after this moment of comedy gold, Sherlock gets to the point. He tells John that he needs his help. He talks about how much he’s missed working with John, “the two of us against the world”….

And John nuts him.

Next scene, and they’re all out in the street. Sherlock is failing to administer appropriate first aid to himself. For the record, tilt your head FORWARDS, not backwards, or you’ll end up swallowing or choking on all that blood.

Anyway, Mary and Sherlock get their first scene together. Sherlock tells Mary that he doesn’t understand human nature, Mary promises to talk John around for Sherlock.

Sherlock looks at Mary, and deduces a storm of things about her. Including the words “appendix” and “scar”. So apparently Sherlock’s deductive abilities extend to, what, looking through clothing?

Without another word, John and Mary drive off. In the cab, Mary reveals that she likes Sherlock, shocking John, who basically wants to rant with someone about how inappropriate and awful and shocking this all is.

Read the room, Mary.

Anyway, next we get a compilation of Sherlock sneaking up on his friends. He appears behind Molly in a mirror, he sneaks up on Lestrade when he’s gone to smoke in a carpark (also making a “I still don’t know Lestrade’s first name” joke), he walks in on Hudson as she’s doing the dishes…

I mean, this is a quick and easy way of establishing who knows that Sherlock is alive… but I really think we could have done that without a close-up on Mrs Hudson’s uvula?

Anyway. Cut to “How Sherlock did it” version 2.2. This version features a paper cut out of Sherlock falling off the roof, while Sherlock and Moriarty giggle together in the background, before realising the truth about their feelings for each other, and moving in for the kiss.

Obviously, this isn’t what actually happened. We are introduced to Anderson’s little society, full of people coming up with theories to explain how Sherlock lived.

This is… this scene comes across like the writers actively insulting the fanbase, who have spent two years coming up with ideas to explain Sherlock’s survival. I don’t know if it was written with that in mind, but… that’s how it comes across.

And seriously, given that this show did so much to invite fans to theorise, from creating websites to actually creating puzzles “from Moriarty”, it seems really, really hypocritical to suddenly start presenting this image of Sherlock fans as obsessed weirdos who can’t come up with a solution to a puzzle that doesn’t involve Jimlock or Derren Brown.

But anyway, as they’re discussing it, the news gets out. Sherlock is back.

So much for keeping it a secret, then.

But anyway, rather then looking at the world’s response to Sherlock announcing that he is, in fact, alive, let’s go back to our favourite topic of this episode.

John’s moustache.

Which he is about to shave.

Mary complains jokingly that John didn’t shave it for her, but as soon as Sherlock shows up… (I mean, Mary, you told him that you liked it, so….)

Anyway, then we get the genesis of a line that would be printed on t-shirts and scattered on merch for… well, for a while, anyway.

“I don’t shave for Sherlock Holmes”.

The irritating thing about this becoming a merch item is that Mary literally says “you should put that on a t-shirt” in the episode. And then, look, here is the link! Go and buy, then you can have the t-shirt that Mary was talking about in the show!!!

It’s just… looking back, it isn’t that meme-able a line to begin with.

But anyway.

Sherlock, meanwhile, is back in 221b. He’s explaining that he keeps track of what’s going on in London by using a small number of key figures. People that would find out about, and act on any terror threat. It’s actually quite an interesting idea. Except… he never actually goes into who those people are, or why they know things, but besides that it’s quite interesting.

Anyway, apparently Sherlock is discussing this with Mycroft over a game off chess. And mocking the sacrifice of the man who told Mycroft that a terror attack was imminent. Sherlock insists that his information, based on blog posts and newspaper adds is much more reliable.

Oh, and the game they’re playing?

Operation. Not chess. That’s… actually quite funny.

Then the two reminisce about their childhood. Apparently, they didn’t realise that Sherlock wasn’t an idiot until they started meeting other children, and realised that actually Mycroft is Super clever, Sherlock is clever and everyone else is a… goldfish.

Not only is that kind of insulting, but it also perpetrates the myth that goldfish are stupid.

Goldfish are exactly as intelligent as they need to be.

Goldfish, if you’re reading this, we all love you, and support you in overthrowing this awful stereotype.

Also, this suggests that Sherlock and Mycroft spent their early years completely separated from other children. Which, at the end of series four, we discover was not the case.

But… anyway.

The two decide to play a different game to pass the time. They play “deductions”, using a hat that a client left behind. Interesting that Sherlock already has clients, since the fact that he isn’t dead has only been public knowledge for a day or so.

Anyway, the pair of them show off for a while. Eventually, Sherlock uses his client’s isolation to make the point that Mycroft should get a girlfriend.

Mycroft, at that, decides to leave.

This is an… interesting development. Sherlock trying to humanise his brother a little, trying to get him to play with the “goldfish”.

Shame it never goes anywhere.

Anyway, we cut to John and Mary going through their work day. Mary, for some reason, has the job of showing patients into the doctor’s office. Despite being a nurse.

But as we all know, all nurses do all day is follow the instructions of doctors. Do all the menial tasks that aren’t important enough for a doctor to sully their clever brains with.

That was.. that was sarcasm, by the way. Nurses are highly skilled professionals, who often have more knowledge of specific conditions that they deal with than doctors do. Never underestimate a nurse.

Actually, this is the second time this show has given a female character an incredibly vague, non-specific job role that allows them to be flexible enough to cater for every need that their male colleague has.

Interesting.

The other problem that I have with this scene is that John is given a list of patients with supposedly “comically unpleasant” symptoms. It makes a joke over how a doctor must be having a REALLY bad day if they have to see someone with an undescended testicle, or examine hernial orifices, or do a gynae exam, or examine someone with piles, or ask for a urine sample. When he gets to the last patient, John assumes that the gentleman in front of him is Sherlock in disguise, because he’ s behaving… rather oddly. After John assaults him, it turns out that he was actually a genuine patient. Oops.

I mean, John could just have looked at his medical record, seen that this was someone that had been coming to the practise for years, possibly seen a warning about his strange behaviour written by one of his colleagues….

But why sacrifice realism when you could have a really bad, unfunny joke resulting in a doctor physically attacking one of his patients?

This whole scene upsets me a little, to be honest. The whole “joke” is that John is having an unpleasant day, because he’s having to do lots of intimate examinations. The thing is, that for most healthcare professionals most of the time, even intimate examinations aren’t embarrassing, anxiety-inducing or unpleasant to perform. Of course there are exceptions, but most of the time we’re so used to the examination that we don’t even think about it. We’re normally mostly concerned with completing the examination properly, not missing anything, and (very importantly) trying to help the patient to be as comfortable as possible. We don’t want people to be embarrassed when they have an intimate examination. For us, they’re very normal parts of our job, and I can’t help but feel that joking about them being unpleasant for doctors to perform is potentially detrimental to the way the general public views these examinations.

I mean, I’m sure that there was no intent here to make fun of any medical conditions, to increase stigma surrounding them or to tell people that they should feel embarrassed when they need one of these examinations, but I still think that the potential is there.

Anyway. This is all interspersed with footage of Sherlock “working” by the way. During this, he asks Molly to solve crimes with him. She kind of wanted to just go out for dinner, but she’s up for it. She asks what to do, Sherlock tells her not to try to be John, just to be herself. I might bring this up again later, so remember it please. Their first case is a married couple, one of whom is having an affair. Simples. Next is a simplification of “A case of identity”, in which a stepfather poses as a younger man interested in marrying his stepdaughter. This is one of those times where a reference to an original text that won’t be expounded in full is slipped in to give a bit of a wink to long-term fans. I appreciate this, and approve.

Next, Sherlock and Molly join Lestrade to look at… a skeleton. A skeleton sat up in a chair, wearing a suit.

Ooh, I bet I can deduce a few things here! Firstly, this corpse did not decompose into a skeleton while wearing that suit. I know this because corpses tend to release fluids as they decompose, and that suit is remarkably unstained.

Secondly, the skeleton is… oddly clean. And oddly bleached-looking. It is a real human, as opposed to a plastic or resin replica though (the clue is that most real human skeletons have less-than perfect teeth, fake skeletons normally have perfect, complete smiles).

Thirdly, this skeleton is sat up perfectly by itself. Skeletons… don’t tend to do that. Not unless there are remnants of tissue to hold them together, anyway. Given this skeleton’s remarkable lack of soft tissue, I must assume that some kind of wire structure is holding it together.

Anyway, meanwhile, Sherlock is deducing that the skeleton smells like mothballs, and is slightly charred. Oh, and having auditory hallucinations.

That’s nice, dear.

Mary comes to meet John at the end of the day. She’s heading off to meet a friend, leaving John alone.

Back to Sherlock. Lestrade asks him about John. Sherlock says, vaguely, that he’s “not in the picture”. Then they all stop to comment on the trains passing nearby.

TRAINS
FORESHADOWING

PAY ATTENTION

Sherlock imagines a compass (somehow that works) to work out which way the corpse is facing, and Molly steps in to examine the body. I am getting increasingly confused about her qualifications given that she can identify the age of the corpse from the skeleton alone, and the fact that the skeleton is “only 6 months old”. I presume that they mean that the person must have died less than six months ago, but…

Anyway, calculating that kind of thing from bones is hard. Actually, it’s something that forensic anthropologists are normally asked to do rather than forensic pathologists, because of the experience and skillset required. Normally calculating these things is done by taking measurements of the bones, examining the teeth, skull and long bones in minute detail, and using specialist tests to calculate a rough time of death.

I mean, it’s not impossible that Molly just happens to be a forensic anthropologist as well as a forensic pathologist, and has such a well trained eye that she can identify some of these things from sight… but I do think it’s impossible that she can make those judgements without noticing the HOLES DRILLED INTO THE BONE THAT ALLOW IT TO BE ASSEMBLED FOR DISPLAY.

Anyway, Sherlock decides to look under the desk, and he finds….

“How I did it”, a book by Jack the Ripper.

Um…

So this is a fake. Sherlock goes on to explain in excruciating detail how, exactly, this scene has been faked. Then he leaves. And as he goes…

“Why would someone go to all that trouble to fake it?” Molly asjs.

“Why indeed, John?” Sherlock replies.

Remember earlier, when I told you to remember that part when Sherlock told Molly to be herself, not to try to be John?

Well, apparently Sherlock doesn’t.

You know, this whole “Molly helps Sherlock” thing actually had promise. It could have been an opportunity for Sherlock to behave in a less-manipulative, less horrible way towards her. But, turns out no.

Firstly, he just calls her and assumes that she will be free to drop everything to help him. Again.

Secondly, he lies to her. He tells her that she isn’t there to be John. Then, mentally, we see him comparing her to John over and over again, before finally slipping and actually forgetting that she is anyone other than John.

So, instead of the two of them beginning their relationship anew, they quickly slip back into old patterns, with Sherlock forgetting to treat her as her own human being, forgetting to respect her life or her wishes, and finally insulting her once more by forgetting to use her actual name.

So that’s, um…

Anyway, they go and visit the guy who visited Sherlock’s flat earlier. He is a train enthusiast.

TRAINS

T

R

A

I

N

S

.

Are you getting the message yet?

Anyway, this guy noticed an irregularity in the number of cars on a tube train, and a missing man. And since this happened, the driver of that train has been missing. Presumably paid off.

Anyway, Sherlock employs his built in facial recognition software to identify the man who vanished off the train. Then he uses his mind palace to, um….

Do something.

Not sure what, really.

Anyway, clearly Sherlock has had a few software updates since we last saw him.

Anyway, cut to John. He’s hanging around outside 221b, thinking about whether to go in when he is abducted.

How have I not previously instituted a “John gets kidnapped” counter?

OK, so series 1 episode 1, kidnapped by Mycroft. Series 1 episode 2, kidnapped by the Black Lotus. Series 1 episode 3, kidnapped by Moriarty. Series 2 episode 1, kidnapped (sort of) so that he can have a chat with Irene Adler. Series 2 episode 2….actually not kidnapped, but he is sort of tricked into going into a locked room and then gassed, so he is at least forcibly detained by Sherlock.

Remarkably, he doesn’t actually get kidnapped at any point in series 2 episode 3. But he does get arrested.

So there’s that.

Wow, John Watson really is a magnet for kidnappers and rogues of all varieties, isn’t he?

And finally, we get to this episode. Where John is kidnapped, drugged and stuffed inside a bonfire.

Also, science point, I’m not really sure what drug they’re injecting here… but I am definitely deeply concerned about the way they are injecting it. Surprisingly, sticking a long, sharp object into someone’s neck isn’t generally considered to be good medical practise.

The thing is, the neck is full of important things. The carotid arteries, the jugular veins, the spinal column, the oesophagus, the trachea… and is you just randomly pick a spot, you could end up injecting into any of those structures.

And yes, it matters. Quite a lot.

Anyway, John collapses to the pavement. As I said, not sure what drug they’re using, but it’s clearly fast acting. Maybe fentanyl, but if they are I would be seriously worried about John’s ability to breathe for himself if he goes down that quickly… From the view we get of the syringe it isn’t propofol, looks like quite a small volume…

I mean, it’s a drug and it knocks him out but doesn’t kill him. That’s probably all that it’s important to know.

And have I just watched those 20 seconds about four times in a row to try to get a good look at the syringe?

….

Maybe.

But also, the acting in that moment is… really good. I love the way that John tries to fight his attackers off, trying to get a hand on the syringe, trying to get control over it… it’s a realistic instinct, I think.

Anyway, back to Molly and Sherlock. We finally realise what Sherlock was doing in his mind palace.

He has concluded that the train took too long to get from one station to the next, so he asks Molly to get him maps. ALL THE MAPS.

Then Sherlock invites Molly out for chips.

There is another legitimately funny moment here, Sherlock says that the owner of the chippie always gives him extra portions. Molly asks if it’s because Sherlock got him off a murder charge.

Sherlock quips back: “No, I helped him put up some shelves”.

There are moments of joy in this series, there really are.

Anyway, Molly seems a little… well, she asks Sherlock what the day with them working together was for. Sherlock says that he was thanking her.

Yeah. Nice thank you present.

“Thanks for helping me fake my death. As a reward, you get to spend a whole 12 hours. With me!!! Lucky you!!!”

But Sherlock insists that he is thanking Molly properly. He tells Molly that Moriarty was wrong to miss her off his list of Sherlock’s friends. He thanks her. And he reveals that he knows that this was a one-off. Because Molly, as it turns out, is engaged.

Molly tells Sherlock about her fiancé. Turns out everyone has one now.

Sherlock tells Molly that he hopes that she will be happy. He kisses her on the cheek. Then he leaves her. Molly wonders to herself whether sociopaths are her “type”.

Sherlock.

Sherlock Sherlock Sherlock.

Is this… is he maybe… starting to respect her life choices? Is this his announcement that he will no longer be emotionally manipulating her, that he will respect her more in future?

Um… I suppose we’ll see.

Anyway, we cut back to where John is. He wakes up on a bed on leaves and twigs. He can see the sky, but not much else.

There is also a sizeable wound on the side of his head. That’s… interesting. Given that he didn’t hit his head in the fall.

Maybe he partially woke up at some point, and they decided to whack him over the head rather than dose him up again?

Anyway. It just irritates me.

Mary is wandering around when she gets a text. She recognises that it’s a skip code, that it’s a message saying where John is.

She goes immediately to 221b Baker street, of course. Because she couldn’t go on her own… or something? Anyway, important character moment here, because she introduces herself as John’s fiancé!

So… I suppose that happened. Offscreen.

Anyway, she wastes valuable time finding Sherlock. And Sherlock decides that it would be faster to get to “St James the Less” by bike than by car. So he borrows a motorbike.

Mary gets another text, this time giving an 8 minute time limit. Sherlock uses his brain like a GPS to navigate a shorter route that will allow them to arrive on time.

So… can we stop and think about this from CAM’s perspective? I’m not writing out his full name, partially to reduce spoilers, partially…because it’s really long. So he kidnaps John, hides him under a bonfire, drugs him enough to stop him from shouting, then sends Mary a text written in skip code.

His intention here is to test Mary and Sherlock’s “pressure points”. So, if he wants to know about Sherlock, why send the message to Mary? They’ve only known each other a few days, and she’s a capable agent on her own. It seems unlikely to me that she would go to Sherlock at all!

And if she hadn’t, then the experiment would be wasted. CAM already knows Mary’s pressure points. So basically he relies on her making that decision, to waste time looking for Sherlock.

Here’s another thing. Why send the message in code at all? He isn’t trying to test Mary or Sherlock’s abilities here, and if he was he would use something MUCH more complicated than a skip code.

Finally, why would he go to the bother of kidnapping a man in the middle of a busy street, in broad daylight, and stuffing him into a public bonfire to test whether Sherlock liked John enough to run after him? I mean, it’s definitely a high risk strategy. He could have just texted Sherlock, made a threat against John and seen if he would run, he didn’t have to get near John at all.

Anyway, John is in the bonfire. He’s woken up enough to start groaning and shouting for help, but only a single child in the crowd hears him over the noise.

The fire started decides to… throw some petrol on the problem. Despite now being much closer than his daughter, he can’t hear the man screaming just feet away from him.

And he lights the fire, moments before John and Mary arrive. They realise what’s going on, the child screams. Sherlock pushes the crowd out of the way, Mary and Sherlock push their way through the fire, and pull John free. Remarkably, they’re all fine. I mean, John is still quite drugged, unable to move for himself of anything, but, no Mary you trained nurse, you just stand there and watch as Sherlock shouts in his face.

I mean, I should let her off for not starting first aid immediately, given that she has a close personal attachment to the casualty and all that. But she is also a trained secret agent/assassin, used to working under pressure. So really…

Anyway. Let’s just assume that they’re all fine. Cut to the next morning.

Remarkably, it doesn’t sound like anyone called the police or an ambulance at any point during all of this. Anyway, it doesn’t seem like there was any official investigation at all.

Shame, given that it would probably be very easy to get video footage of the kidnappers as they drove through London.

But no, let’s cut to Sherlock’s parents. They’ve come over for a visit. Sherlock is irritated by them, despite them dropping key information about Parliament being closed because of a big event. Or something.

Sherlock LITERALLY pushes them out of the door to the flat. Nice way to treat them. But he wants to talk to John, who is amazed that… that Sherlock had parents. And that they’re nice.

And irritated, because he realises that they knew that Sherlock was alive. Everyone did apart from him, actually.

But they bond over the moustache. Again.

Or rather, Sherlock insults the moustache, but John doesn’t mind too much because it’s gone now.

How does John get so much free time off as a GP? I mean, it’s not even regular “I work 4 days a week” time off, it’s “Oh, Sherlock called, sorry, no patients for me today.”

Anyway, who cares about John’s life outside Sherlock. John is more interested in who kidnapped him, and why he was targeted. Sherlock just doesn’t know.

Not yet. And John seems fine when Sherlock immediately switches his attention to the “underground terrorist network”.

Oh, and apparently the guy who vanished… Lord Moran. One of Sherlock’s “rats”.

Anyway, Sherlock has finally realised…

IT’S TO DO WITH THE TRAINS.

OH…. REALLY.

COULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED.

The train that Moran vanished on? Not just Moran, but a whole tube car vanishes. And suddenly they realise…

It’s Bonfire night.

An all-night sitting going on in parliament to debate an anti-terrorism bill.

And a missing train compartment near to Westminster.

What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Oh, and turns out there’s an old, abandoned tube station that was never opened that sits directly under parliament.

And there be dragons.

Or bombs.

We cut to Lord Moran. He’s hanging out in a hotel room with a big mysterious box.

John and Sherlock head down into the tube station. John tries to call the police, but Sherlock insists that it’s “more efficient” not to.

“And illegal?” John points out, as they break through a panel into the tunnels. John checks his phone, sees that he has no service.

How has John not been struck off by the GMC at this point? I mean, he has an ASBO, he’s been involved in numerous crimes, he’s snuck into secret military bases…

Anyway, John and Sherlock find the abandoned station, and…

No tube compartment.

Sherlock realises that it must be somewhere on the track. In his mind palace, he sees the consequence of the explosion.

The entire houses of parliament collapsing. Big ben ringing out one last time, as the clock tower topples…

Wow. Dramatic.

John and Sherlock follow the rails to the spot where Sherlock thinks the carriage will be…

And…

It’s there.

And all around it, other demolition charges have been planted.

How this happened…. No-one knows.

How the carriage was actually turned into a bomb… no-one knows. The practicalities of arming it from a distance (especially as mobile networks have been shown not to reach down to the tunnels)…. No-one knows.

It just happens, OK?

John and Sherlock start to search the carriage for a bomb. Then they realise…

The whole carriage has been stuffed dull of explosives.

HOW????

But sure.

They find explosives under the seats, and a control panel set into the floor.

Meanwhile, Lord Moran has the other half of the control panel in his hotel room. He opens it up gleefully.

Well… this is bound to turn out well.

Seriously though, there’s a remarkably little amount of tension, given that this is the first episode of a series called “Sherlock” and Sherlock is sat on top of the bomb that we’re meant to believe might explode.

Anyway, John and Sherlock argue over which of them is more qualified to disable a bomb. John still insists that they should have called bomb disposal.

And then the bomb activates.

Sherlock tells John to run. John tells Sherlock that there’s no point running he couldn’t get far enough away, and he tells Sherlock to search his mind palace to see if he made a note of how to defuse a bomb.

Normally when Sherlock goes into his mind palace, it seems to take ages. But sure.

Anyway, the acting in this moment is fantastic, so I’ll let it slide.

Sherlock decides to give it a go, while John shouts “think!” at him every few seconds to “help”. Sherlock can’t do it. Unclear if he’s just too stressed to think, or if he never knew how to do it in the first place.’

John looks away, thinking about his imminent death, while Sherlock frantically examines the control panel.

Sherlock tells John that he can’t do it, and apologises. Apologises for everything.

John is suspicious. He accuses Sherlock of trying to trick him into being nice.

They have an honest, open conversation about their friendship. About the way John felt when Sherlock left. Sherlock admits that if he hadn’t come back, John wouldn’t be about to die, he would get to live a life with Mary. Some tears are shed. John admits that he finds it difficult to have this kind of conversation, but finally manages to tell Sherlock that he forgives him.

And of course, how should we cheapen this moment?

By showing a flash of light, suggesting that the bomb has gone off, and then cutting away to Sherlock explaining his “miraculous” survival to Anderson.

He makes several suggestions. First, he implies that he knew that Moriarty had been captured, and had told Mycroft to feed him information. “To make him feel that he had the upper hand”. And then they let him go.

This still makes very little sense to me. They had Moriarty captured. They had pried information out of him, information that would enable Sherlock to bring down Jim’s network.

And apparently, it was part of the plan to let Moriarty ruin Sherlock’s reputation.

This seems… I mean, in order for that to make any sense, Sherlock had to have known that Jim wouldn’t, at any point, step things up and just order Sherlock’s death. Which is a massive assumption.

It also meant that Sherlock allowed the police to be fed misinformation. He also chose not to defend himself.

Anyway. Sherlock skips over the “unimportant details” of why Sherlock did it, and concentrates on the “HOW”.

As John said, “I don’t care”.

OK, so Sherlock had 13 alternative plans.

And yet, apparently, he “didn’t anticipate how far Moriarty was prepared to go”.

So Sherlock claims that he didn’t foresee Moriarty killing himself.

I’ve already discussed this. And I think it’s fair to say that this is a lie. He did foresee it, because otherwise he wouldn’t have come up with plans that relied on Moriarty not being alive on that rooftop.

Seriously, what did he plan to do?

“Hey, Jim, of course I’ll jump, but would you mind turning your back and counting to a hundred for me? Thanks!!”

Anyway, he texted Mycroft, and “everyone got to work”.

You know earlier, when he claimed that 25 of his homeless network knew Sherlock was alive?

Well, um… I’m interested in what the other 12 plans were. Because it looks like you needed almost all of those 25 to carry out this one plan. Did the others require no additional people?

But, no.

The people on the ground unroll the giant inflatable cushion. The stage is set. The cushion is blown up (incredibly quickly, have you every seen how long that kind of thing actually takes???)

Anyway, the phone call. Sherlock tells John that it was all a trick.

No explanation as to why, of course.

We see the giant cushion being lifted into place. We see Sherlock fall into the giant bouncy cushion. He rolled off, the air bag was moved. Meanwhile, a “distractor” corpse was dropped.

This has always interested me, actually. Adding another corpse here adds a lot of complication. Molly clearly has several people with her who know what’s going on, the “Sherlock lookalike” corpse had to be sourced.

Ans the thing is, the cushion has been moved before Molly drops the body. So Sherlock is down there already, off the cushion.

Why doesn’t Sherlock just… lie down?

He doesn’t need the blood spatter or anything, not for the quick glance that John gets.

But anyway. While John is knocked over, Sherlock switches place with the unnecessary corpse, strikes a dramatic pose, someone sprinkles blood over him. He squeezes a squash ball under his armpit to stop the pulse in that arm.

Good thing that John didn’t look for any other pulses, hey?

Also, to squeeze the squash ball, you would have to be contracting your muscles really quite hard. Try it yourself, squeeze your arm into your side as if you were trying to squeeze something in your armpit. It forces you to tuck your arm in, which Sherlock clearly isn’t doing, and would be obvious to anyone who tried to move your arm even a little.

But anyway.

The scenario finishes.

Sherlock explains to Anderson that the Sherlock look-alike corpse must exist.

Oh, an apparently the snipers were stopped by Mycroft anyway. I mean, that sort of explains why none of them took their shots, despite the appearance of a massive air cushion.

Still, if Mycroft could influence snipers that easily, interesting that he never interfered before. Like, you know, when Moriarty killed twenty people by using a sniper to set off a bomb.

Also interesting that the fall was needed at all, with that being the case.

Anyway, Anderson has criticisms. This feels like another jab at the audience.

“You think you could do it better, do you? Well, look. You’re just like Anderson! He was disappointed too!”

Anyway, Sherlock admits that he actually came to see Phillip…

Wait, Phillip? Sherlock remembers Anderson’s first name, but not Lestrade’s?????

Sherlock’s inhumanity is conveniently inconsistent, isn’t it?

Anyway, he came to see Anderson because he knows Anderson faked the Jack the Ripper body.

And he points out that Anderson wasted Sherlock’s time by doing so.

Anderson… should have realised that. I mean, as a former forensics guy.

Anyway, Anderson breaks off and starts to find little criticisms on Sherlock’s story.

He misses all the big ones, obviously, and concentrates on “what if the bike didn’t hit John?” and the like. Sherlock leaves, and Anderson tears down his wall of “Sherlock” notes.

Anyway, back to the tube carriage.

The bomb hasn’t gone off.

Remember when John accused Sherlock of tricking him, trying to make him say something nice?

Well… he was 100% right. Sherlock has tricked him. He found the bomb’s off switch.

Oh, and he called the police, too. So, just after John’s incredibly difficult, serious and loving statements… Sherlock laughs at him.

That’s… nice.

Anyway, John threatens to kill Sherlock.

“Killing me…that’s so two years ago” Sherlock replies.

Anyway, cut to Lord Moran. He leaves his hotel room, and suddenly finds loads of people are pointing guns at his head.

So all’s well that ends well.

I mean, who cares what his motivation was anyway?

It’s much more important that we hear Mycroft whinging about having to take his parents to see Les Mis.

Apparently this is basically torture.

John, Mary, Sherlock, Lestrade and Mrs Hudson are hanging out together, all friends again. Apparently John and Mary aren’t “officially” engaged yet. So we… didn’t miss a proposal?

Oh, but they’re never going to show it to us anyway.

Cool.

Molly pops over with her fiancé, Tom. Sherlock looks at him, probably deduces things, but says nothing. Everyone holds their breath, waiting for him to be obnoxious.

And… he actually manages not to be!

Wow!

Anyway, John pulls Sherlock aside, and asks why he was put into the bonfire.

Sherlock admits that he doesn’t know.

We, the audience, do. It’s because a new supervillain needs to be set up, am I right?

Anyway, Sherlock is preparing to go out and face the press, and John finally asks him.

“How did you do it?”

Despite clearly establishing earlier that he is far more interested in the “Why”.

But anyway.

John talks about that touching scene when he went to Sherlock’s grave. Sherlock admits that he was there. He heard it all.

It’s… actually kind of sweet.

And then Sherlock pulls on his deer stalker, and steps out to face the press, his faithful blogger at his side.

And the episode finishes.

So, what do I think?

This is always one of the hardest stories to adapt. The Empty House, the Empty hearse. It only works when John and Sherlock have a strong relationship. When Sherlock has been shown to be vulnerable, as well as genius. When the two have learned to trust each other implicitly.

Dr Watson, when he sees Holmes is alive, might jump and be startled. He might ask questions. But fundamentally, he is glad, not angry. Because Dr Watson trusts Holmes implicitly, and knows that, if Holmes kept him in the dark, there was a good reason. Its one of the character moments between the two that I love the most, because they are both so raw, so troubled, and when they reunite, they each heal a little.

The other key thing is that Holmes never lied to Watson. He truly believed what he wrote in the note, and even if Watson was angry with him in a way, his love was always stronger than that.

That being said, I think an angry John is… reasonable as an interpretation.

Especially given this background. Interestingly, I think this episode actually shows the most character growth, and the strongest friendship between John and Sherlock of any that I’ve watched so far in this series. I’m still disappointed by the direction both characters were taken in generally, but here… it almost works.

So, overall thoughts?

I think, given the characters being as developed as they were before this episode, “The Empty Hearse” does a good job. It advances the story, it advances the characters, it moves everything along.

The explanation, though…

But I talked about that a lot last episode. I honestly think that we are never told a version of the truth that makes logical sense, with the facts as we were told them. I also think it’s disingenuous to dedicate so much of this episode to mocking the people who came up with theories about Sherlock’s survival, especially when they represented so much of the lifeblood of this show’s audience.

I still dislike it, in parts. I dislike the fact that Sherlock’s lie to John is never explained. If, apparently, Sherlock knew Moriarty’s plan all along, he certainly didn’t act like it. And, as Judge Bookman often says, “if you don’t set up a twist, it’s not a good twist”.

I dislike the idea that Sherlock must logically have considered Moriarty dying on the rooftop as a possibility.

I dislike Sherlock being completely clueless about the effect that his return might have on John. I dislike the weird “this will be cleared up later, promise!” character of the bonfire scene.

Despite that… I enjoyed watching this episode. Even if they skipped John and Mary’s engagement.

OK, so I was going to finish this post here, but then I realised that I hadn't addressed the most important thing. The Empty Hearse is based on The Empty House, possibly my second favourite Holmes story. The original text, in my opinion, deals with this moment much, much better than Sherlock does. 

The message that I want to end on, then, is, whether you liked this episode or not...

Just go and read "The Empty House" instead. Or listen to the BBC radio adaptation (my personal favourite adaptation of this story). Either will probably take less than half the time watching this episode of Sherlock would, and they'll bring at least twice the pleasure.

And a quarter of the plot holes.

See you next time.


 

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